Sometimes it feels like I’m a ship lost at sea,
Blown off course by deep-seated anxiety.
I am left alone with inner turmoil and self-directed aggressions.
I am left with no real discernable direction.
See, this anxiety is a storm that not only batters and bruises,
Is whispers and shouts and permeates every fiber of my daily reality.
It’s told me that I am nothing, not worthy of anyone’s time.
It’s told me that I’m not good enough, and never will be.
It’s told me that every word I speak is a word too many.
It’s told me that every effort is just a waste of breath.
So here I float, alone in a sea of thoughts and tears,
Not sure which direction to take,
Afraid of the approaching night when the storm will rage again.
Will the crashing waves of fear and dread finally overtake my little boat?
Will the gusts of violent thoughts finally drag me under?
Will I drown in this sea, never to see the light of day again?
And though it seems the night will never end, hope comes in the fourth watch.
Hope shines in the darkness of night and does the impossible.
Hope walks on waves that logically should swallow.
Hope beckons me and reaches out.
Hope doesn’t throw shame on my already tired shoulders.
Hope instead speaks my name and says to “come.”
Hope invites me to share in the impossible with Him.
The wind and waves still seek to drown me,
But even they must bow to His commands.
I may feel like a ship lost at sea,
But to Him even the seemingly lost are known and seen.
And I know that being known by He who calms the waves
Means that I can continue on.
The waves will not take me prisoner forever.
He who calms the waves on the sea,
Can surely calm them within me.
megsnotions 
It’s me denine. I deleted all I had wrote on my blog and just changed my name to just de9k. I might write again; I don’t know. I think I go through phases, so I have to delete and change my blog as I go. : )
Anyway, was wanting to find you and see how you are doing? From reading you post, I just wanted to say I know how it feels and I understand. You know He’s has you! And when we don’t understand, sometimes all we can do is choose to trust Him. You know His Word and all His promises are to you and for you. . Claim them because you know He can’t lie! : ) Just learn everything you can as your going through. Talk to Him about it all. You are not alone even though I know it can feel like it. You matter and you are so very valuable, but the world likes us to believe otherwise. The world lies a lot! Love yourself, take care of you, and get away from people that don’t value you. Know you are already approved of and deserving of love and respect. Heal your hurts by applying the truth to them. We are who God says we are. Focus on things you love everything thing else is just destraction from the truth. Much love and ((hugs)) if you want to talk, I am happy to listen.
It’s good to hear from you! I certainly get what you mean in regards to phases with writing. I go months without writing anything and then every once in a while have spurts of inspiration. The past year has been rough to say the least. My anxiety has been as bad as ever, I had a boss that drove me (and everyone else) crazy, I still have friend issues, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes I don’t even want to live. But life goes on and God is faithful through it all. Anxiety tells me a lot of lies, but as you say, we are who God says we are. This particular piece was written on a night I felt like I have no direction in life. It feels like people are racing past me. I compare myself to others too much, I know. Philippians 1:6 has been one of my go to verses lately. Hope all is well with you.
Sorry to hear about you dad. I will pray for him. It does seem like things hit all at once sometimes.
I have always had anxiety too. I ended up with really bad TMJ at 38 which I noticed was always worse when I was around stressful people. I think our bodies have ways of trying to get our attention to take better care of our emotional health.
Since you said, “had a boss,” I hope that means your not having to deal with him anymore. Last year I started listening to you tube videos about narrisistic people. That has really helped open my eyes to difficult people and understand how they operate.
These three words helped me a lot too…”it’s not you!” You know people love to feed their own egos at the expense of others. I think part of our shield of faith is believing and knowing who we really are in Christ, so their words don’t cut so deep.
You are a kind, smart, loving and caring person. You are blessing! There is nothing wrong with you; we are all just human.
We know God is faithful and the more we walk with Him the more we learn to trust Him. Most of the things we fear never happen, and I can testify that when bad things do happen He will be right there with you giving you the grace and strength to get through it. The more you can trust Him the better you will feel, but I know it’s hard at time. It sometimes helps me to pray and cast off the spirit of fear in Jesus name.
I am doing well. I am still homeschool my daughter who is now 13. We have a lot of fun together. And I am enjoy not doing much else. I started making and decorating cakes last year for fun. Made some cute ones.
Indeed, I “had” a boss. He is leaving – and thank God! Whether it was his choice or he was pushed out, I may never know. It may be both. What’s interesting is that a coworker and I have been talking a lot and have been able to share our experiences and realize that we’re not crazy for thinking the way we did/do. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you don’t realize the manipulating or egotistic behaviors. And I mean I still respect the boss for his dedication, enthusiasm, and thinking outside the box. It’s just the micromanaging and not being able to trust a word out of his mouth that makes it hard to handle. That and the whole “never being good enough” no matter how many days I stay late or try to please him. And through this, God has shown me things about myself, including things I don’t like and that need to change. My own identity issues came to the forefront at work. I place my identity in many things, and not usually Him. Maybe eventually I’ll be able to fully live in my identity as His child. I’m just not there yet.
13! wow. That’s a rough age. I don’t think it matters who, where, or when. I’m glad you have fun with the homeschooling though. And that definitely is a lot right there. I give kudos to anyone who has the focus for that.
OMGOODNESS that sounds so familiar. I know its really tough going through it. I just turned 49,
and after everything I’ve been through the last few years, I realize I have lived most of my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. And I was, “never good enough” either. Now I am mad because I believed the world’s lies about my worth and value instead of God. And I feel like I lost my true self along the way. But through everything its made me seach for the truth about who am, what I believe, and why. I know I would not want to get to heaven and see that I never really lived as the person God made me to be. I am not sure that I am there yet either, but it feels like I am starting to living from the inside out instead of the outside in.
I also feel like the church doesn’t talk enough about dealing with difficult people. I put up with a lot of abusive people because I was trying to “think the best of them” and “be forgiving” But they we manipulating, users, and some of them right down evil.
If I could go back, I would trust God and myself more. I let other people influence me too much. I didn’t trust God to enough to walk away from people that I love and valued, but did not and could not love and value me back.
From glory to glory He is changing us. Praying for you, would appriciate your pray also. Love & Blessings!
As I said before, Philippians 1:6 has been so important to me the past year – it’s a reminder that God is in control and He will finish what He has started in the lives and hearts of His children. That promise is for both of us – thanks be to God!
Indeed, the church often seems to avoid difficult subjects. I grew up in a church that had a reputation of being a “country club” church. It’s an accurate description. Among a lot of complex issues there, I’ve realized that very rarely did tough, messy stuff get to see the light, even though God is a God who comes to us in our mess. When it did get mentioned, it was frequently swept under the rug. God led me to another church and while they have their problems too, I’m glad that difficult subjects at least see the light more. I don’t think my mom likes that I go there, but I really need to at this stage in my life. That church, and the pastor (who also led Bible study at my college, which is how I ended up at this church) are two important reasons I am still a believer. I only hope someday I can be more active there. After all the friendship drama of recent years, I find it hard to be close friends with anyone.
Obviously forgiveness is a part of dealing with these people, but it’s not the whole story. Even Jesus sometimes had to distance himself from people at least for a bit. How much more do we! I have forgiven this boss, and don’t want to harbor bad thoughts about him, but I also just need to heal.
I suppose that if you could go back, and do things differently, you wouldn’t have learned these lessons you’ve learned/are learning as well as if the stuff didn’t happen. It’s amazing how God really does use absolute crap in our lives and somehow makes some good out of it. Talk about a master artist!
I have been taken the last couple of years off from people. I think, like you said before, its about finding our true selves. When your so caught up in life, you can lose yourself in other people’s projections and trying to prove or find the truth. I know that who I really am is in Christ. Anything that doesn’t agree with this is a lie. I believe it really does come down to; I must decrease, so that He may increase. But not like the world makes it out be. More in oneness with Him. More like putting on Christ. I am finding that faith is really believing what His Word says about us and Him. Example….I don’t say I am a liar; I say I am the rightousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I don’t say I am stupid, I say “I have the mind of Christ” I am not rejected, but accepted. We so easy believe the world instead of the Word.
The friend side…
I am getting more picky about my friends. I only want to be around people that truly value, respect, and edify me back.. I have had too many one sided relationship. People I can be myself with. I would rather sit by myself than be around people who put others down, lie, control and manipulate. There not worth our time, energy or self esteem. And I am becoming a better friend to myself too. I still love, forgive, and pray for others. But we can’t change them. So now I choose to do it from a safe distance. I was so eager to be a good christian and love people. I loved people who didn’t love me back and end up is some bad situation. If I could go back I would have trusted myself more and God more. There were red flags but I made excuses and let other people opinions cloud my judgment. It a tough time to be alive. I glad you found some that helped you keep the faith… people/life can make it hard sometime. But don’t ever get up hope in Him. To be with Him is so worth all the hard things.
Indeed, the friend situation is hard. It’s hard to find good friends, and hard to be one. Community is undoubtedly important, as God didn’t create us to be islands. Yet the toxic relationships wreak havoc on our sanity, mental health, and spiritual health. We ought to love everyone, but not be friends with everyone. Sometimes time away from the crowd is vital. Even Jesus sometimes withdrew to be with the Father.
After losing so many friends, partly their faults and partly mine, I sometimes feel I should just stay alone forever, so I don’t hurt anyone. Even at church I find it hard to grow closer to anyone because I don’t want to ruin anything. It’s gotten to the point that even though I know people should be able to disagree on certain things and still be friends, I feel that I can’t be honest or raw because I don’t want to bother anyone. I suppose that perhaps overtime God will heal those parts of me. In my clearer moments, all the friend drama makes me very thankful for a God who is faithful and steadfast.
We have been talking about Peter after he has denied Jesus 3 times.
About how he went on to to be one of the great apostles. Just think about the shame and guilt he had to overcome. But Jesus didn’t condemn because Jesus understands we are human. Peter wouldn’t have went on to be a great leader in the faith had he stayed stuck in those negative feelings. . Peter understood grace.
…9“Then Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not only my feet, but my hands and my head as well.” 10Jesus told him, “Whoever has already bathed needs only to wash his feet, and he will be completely clean. And you are clean,…
We mess up, truly good friends are hard to find. But Friends understand when we mess up. And if they are our friends they will be truly sorry when they sin against us too. Peter denied Jesu in fear, his flesh was weak. Human. , But Jesus knew Peter was and would be faithful in spreading the Gospel and that Peter really loved Him. So He washed his feet of the guilt and shame that was outside of who he really was in Christ.
Relationships are two sided not just one. Both sides need to give and take to make it work. I have the opposite problem of not being able to say how I really feel and that doesn’t work either. Like you say we are still His works in progress. Don’t be so hard in yourself. I think your an awesome friend!!! ((Hugs))
I know. Peter is one of my favorite people to read about. Whether it’s the night he walked on the water with Jesus, or the time he denied Jesus, or all the great things he did after. I love his eagerness in faith, and how as you say, he fell but Jesus never condemned him. And how Jesus was patient with him as he learned to walk a life of faith just like a toddler learning to walk for the first time. Peter was a work in progress and we aren’t all that different. Any work of art takes time.
And amen! They are indeed. I know sometimes I just presume things about what others think, like I believe others couldn’t possibly want to be around me and that they are just being nice or whatever. And I can’t usually share how I really feel with people either. I’ve been much more honest with internet friends than the friends I see face to face.
I used to think that same about people not wanting to be around me. I have figured 3 things out 1. Some people don’t want to be around me. I have had a lot of rejection, but now I look at it as they are people that don’t deserve me instead – because I am a good friend, caring, and an honest person. 2 Then there are people that want to be around only for what they can get or use you for- started recognizing them. They alway talk down to you or make you feel like your less than in someway so your always trying to prove your worth. And you can’t tell them no or there will be a price to pay. 3 the third are the people that truly care, always encourage, and make you feel like you can just be yourself.. And the last thing they would want to do is hurt you. You know them because you can speak freely and don’t worry about being judged. Not a lot of those kinds of people but their out there.
I guess I am slow. It took me awhile to figure that out. Threw a lot of pearls before swine trying to feel loved, accepted and validated. Then God asked me one day, “Denine, why do you act like your starving?” Since then I have been working on finding myself respect, loving myself as well, and walking away from the first two types of people.
I guess I wasn’t honest because I had no trouble walking away. Because I never spoke up for myself made them believe I would always be there and do whatever they wanted. They believed I wouldn’t ever speak up for myself but I did!
Probably like your abusive boss. They get away with it for so long they begin to feel entitled. I am sure all of this is based in fear from both parties. Ones trying to controll out of fear of not being in control and the other being controlled out of fear of rejection or anger. Like with your boss, I think God sometimes comes along and says, “enough.”
That’s one thing I would change I would say enough sooner.
God’s favorite is worth so much more than man’s. Sorry, I was kind of rambling. See your a good listener too!
Very good observations. I had a lot of 2 in particular while I was growing up.
From what I hear, it seems it takes a while for most people to understand and figure that out. My best friend right now is old enough to be my mom (both her kids are actually older than me!) and she says similar things! I guess it comes with time.
And amen, amen, amen! Fear is quite the motivator, for both the controller and the one being controlled. Fear destroys so many good things. It’s interesting that God regularly says things like “do not fear.” I don’t think He is referring to only physical things that logically would scare people, like storms on sea.
Don’t be sorry! Sometimes rambling is necessary and beneficial for both parties!
Thanks Meg! I will continue to pray for you and your dad. If you need to talk, anytime I am here. ((Hugs)) Your smart, just remember don’t believe the lies and love yourself. Too many people trying to be right by making others else feel wrong. And there is nothing wrong were are just human…and we are allowed by grace to get it wrong sometimes. We shouldn’t fear it so much.
Thank you so much. Sending back prayers and hugs. ❤
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